Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?