getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
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If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
