getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
thank god the sign was there
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.