Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

is this a threat

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

Does this dress make me look cat?

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.