[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.