Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Money is the root of all wealth

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Word!

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her