[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
☠️ ☠️
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?