Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

I have so many questions.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE