[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work