[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
goldfish mafia
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower