[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Cannot stop laughing at this
how to exercise your calf muscles
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”