Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
cry laughing at this shit
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.