Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
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I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
