Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

this isn’t threatening at all

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

just gave your address to some spiders

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?