Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.