Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

respect

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.