I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…
& then u no how it b
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not