@NinjaSweatpants

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

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@heyjaadu

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b

@jaboukie

media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@shopkins776

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

@squirl_haggard

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

@BigJDubz

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not