Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.


[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts


i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest


I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.


shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob


shaggy: scoob?


The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.


I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!






Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES