Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES