*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit