Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

what do you want

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

They’re called werewolves.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?