Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Breaking news:

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

When I laugh on my period

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Happy Thanksgiving

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.