Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
FRED: right
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is