Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case