Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant