[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
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woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Wait for it
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only