[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
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When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body