[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
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[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
somewhere, in an alternate universe
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
awesome draft from months ago i just found
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB