The most important meal of the day is the next one
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Danger is very dangerous
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend