Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.