Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Lmfao
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs