Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

A recipe for laughter

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”