[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
You Might Also Like
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
No selfies while hijacking a train.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.