[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
You Might Also Like
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!