[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
How about daylight saves us for once
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*