Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“

Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️