[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.