Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism