getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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a badder mouse
San Francisco has too many rules
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Breaking news:
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again