getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS