Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

i’m gonna allow it

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin