[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!