[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.