Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

💀

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Lunatics are gonna loon.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

my first dose meeting my second

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves