Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Happens to everyone.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*