Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no