Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
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The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.