Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

🤣

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Sorry not sorry.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.