*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
How do dragons blow out candles?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”