Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON