Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?