Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.