Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit