Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or