Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Important
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”