Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

shampoo implies shampee

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.