Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.