Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

“you look easy to draw”

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.