getting corrected
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”