[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
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I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*