[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
You Might Also Like
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.