getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.