getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me too
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.