Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Me: why is my water bill always so high?

Me in shower:

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea