Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Shortcut

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.