[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.