Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.

concern

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer