Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

Always this one for me forever

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

Always the camel, never the toe.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

when you tell me to do something I was already about to do

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*