Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

decorating my apartment

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

this is the kind of friend i am

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

The Friday File.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.