Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

So sick of all these stupid rules

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

that de-escalated quickly

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“