Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?