Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
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No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
incredible book dedication
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Whisper out to librarians!
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it