Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
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Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Ain’t no way
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
mumsnet is amazing
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.