Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re so quiet.

Me: Thanks, you should try it.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.