Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

this is me

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?