Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
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If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My life coach traded me.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.